Relationship Therapy Bristol

Relationship therapy and couples counselling in Bristol for issues including

Can’t communicate ● Fights repeat like a video loop ● Lack of emotional connection ● Can’t face the past ● Can’t let go of the past ● Infidelity ● Loss of trust ● Unbalanced workloads ● Need to be alone but then your partner feels abandoned ● Need to be close but partner focuses on things they do alone ● Anger – yours, your partner’s or both ● Words that wound ● Either avoid difficult conversation or insist difficult conversations happen right now ● Afraid of having needs ● Afraid of expressing needs ● Unable to recognise needs ● Resentment over support with young children ● Afraid/unable to set boundaries ● Saying Yes when you’d rather say No ● Not feeling a team ● Your contribution isn’t valued ● Blame ● The other person making you responsible for their hurt, or you them ● Saying wounding things ● Lack of sexual intimacy ● One person not getting their sexual needs met ● Power struggles ● Feeling emotionally powerless ● Different views of parenting ● Jealousy ● Feeling unworthy ● Feeling unlovable ● Unsure about the future ● Coping with major life events including illness ● Stress from having toddlers (common) ● Stress from doing a house conversion (also common!) ● Simply cannot understand each other

Give love a chance

I work differently from many relationship therapists. I most certainly deal head-on the pain and knots and stuckness that bring couples to me. But I don’t start there. I start by reconnecting with the love that is there and the positive strengths and qualities each person brings. Yes, past hurts need honest acknowledgement and straight talk. But hashing over grievances and he-said she-saids leads nowhere.

The two people I’m sitting with are good and loving people, capable and constructive. And, I always assume, there is love between them. My opening varies enormously and is unique to each couple. But as a general sketch, I might start by asking them to share a picture of what their relationship is like at it’s best, and then look for evidence things could move back towards that best. For example:

What do you know about the other other person that gives you hope things can be better?
What things already go right, maybe small and maybe occasionally, that you’d love to have more of?
What is already good between you that stops fights being even worse?
In a fight, what’s something about you that you really wish the other person to keep in mind (eg that you’re not an enemy.)

I’ve asked these types of question to couples and individual clients really a lot (it amazed me to calculate a hundred of thousand or so of individual questions) and this solution-oriented approach can change lives. By the end of the first session we havn’t of course solved problems which could be deeply engrained. But typically there are two people with more sense of possibilities, more co-operation, and often enough some laughter in the room.

Difficult things have to be faced

Of course this is only a beginning. In couples therapy difficult issues, long avoided, have to be faced head on including affairs, sexual needs and longings, unbalanced sharing of responsibilities, lack of valuing what each person brings, lack of connection. Understandings that may be hard to hear have to be shared. Needs that may be scary to acknowledge need to be brought into the open.

… and difficult things needs safety

I never just jump into painful and difficult topics. If things are really tense and fraught a trust-building starting place might be for example:

What does your beloved bring to this hard conversation that helps you feel safe?
What are you bringing to the conversation that will make him or her safe?

And expanding that question for perhaps a long time, maybe half of the whole session, and so leading gently and gradually to the affair or whatever the hurt is.

Equally, I never avoid painful and difficult things.

Understanding is the bridge that love walks across

It’s amazingly hard for people to understand each other. I work a lot with “What I need you to understand about me is…” and “What I’d love you to remember about me when we are having fights is …”

Mututal understanding is vital, ten times more important than agreement. Understanding is the very bridge that love walks across,

DO something! – take practical action

I’m a BIG believer in practical steps you can already do differently, today, to start to change a downward spiral into an upward one. Healing is wonderful but don’t wait for it. If you do what you always did, you’ll get what you always got.

Bring conscious practical action to small everyday things:

Do fights develop at bedtime? Take action: choose to not talk about problematic things just then. Find a better time. Likewise if you fight in the car, choose directly to not start those conversations.
Give every appreciation you can. Feeling appreciation is love, giving the appreciation is practical action. Almost always couples say they feel more appreciation than they express. Say every appreciation on every occasion it enters your mind. If you love something your partner brings to your children, say that in some appropriate way the the children hear too.
Ask yourself: is what I am doing / we are doing working? If it doesn’t work, don’t do it! Try something different! One all-purpose something-different is the couples Red Flag cooling-off exercise. This is a really effective action you can take.

“I want young people to know that marriage is work. Even the best marriages require work … I don’t want young people to quit the minute they have a hardship. Because I always say you’re married for 50 years and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing really good!”
– Michelle Obama on couples therapy

Questions couples ask about how I work.

These are some questions which couples ask me, and maybe your question is here too.

No, and nor should it try. But MANY relationships break up un-necessarily due to lack of tools, understanding, self-reflection about childhood hurt, and safety to talk about unsafe-feeling things.

Most of us have a romantic ideal of love happily every after. In the real world, some relationships are naturally short-term; or people evolve in different directions; some relationships are learning experiences; or partners are so caught up in their own childhood hurt they can’t be adult.

However many couples drown within reach of the shore. Many couples come to situations where dealing with things with understanding; with honesty; with constructive communication; with compassion for yourself and your beloved – can transmute coldness into connection, separation into us-ness. And happily many couples succeed to do exactly that.

Childhood is always relevant. But simply telling about past events rarely heals the present and I do very little of that.

All of us bring hurt from childhood into our adult relationships. But – hopefully, mostly – your beloved is different from the people in your past, so the first goal is to learn how to respond to what actually is herenow, not live in memories. Also, the hurt shows up in unconscious behaviours in the present. So another goal is to bring consciousness to unconscious habitual actions and begin to change those.

However at times it’s good to explore childhood directly, and then I do so. Even so, I minimise telling about events like in a conversation. Instead for example, it can be poignant to ask each person about some moment in childhood when they needed love but didn’t get it. Whatever come up very likely links to some kind of need in the relationship as adults, and it’s a sweet and intimate thing to share.

Also, for couples work, someone needs both to see they are acting from childhood hurt and can begin to change that. However if someone knows they are acting from childhood but simply cannot do things different, I take that to indicate they may benefit from individual therapy. (I don’t mix individual and couples work.)

Attachment theory is good but I use a different system of understanding which covers the same ground in a different way, and much more. This is the body-based characterology originated by Wilhelm Reich and Alexander Lowen. A good popular book is The 5 Personality Patterns by Steven Kessler . I’ve been fortunate to have trained extensively with one of the world’s most experienced experts in this approach to understanding people, Moumina Jeffs. It’s extremely useful and it’s one of the pillars of how I work.

I don’t work with helping a couple to decide whether or not to have children. I don’t feel I can deal evenly and simultaneously both with the needs of each person as an individual, and with their dynamic as a couple. I have considerable respect for other couples therapists who find the way to do this.

No, I don’t mix couples and individual therapy in any combination.

It’s sometimes good to do both at once, and I’m happy when I hear someone is doing that. Note that therapists have divided opinions about this. Some like me think it’s a good thing, others not, so if you’re doing one kind of therapy with me and realise you need to be doing the other elsewhere, you need to check how the other therapist feels about that.

This is broadly true for the clients who most typically come to see me. I rarely meet people who are so not-grown-up they habitually sleep around, or come from cultures where “mistresses” are normal, or many other things.

That said, one common pattern is that

“Working with Andrew was an incredibly deep, profound and life changing experience. I went to Andrew thinking I needed to be cured of loving the love of my life – thankfully this didn’t happen. I cannot thank or recommend Andrew highly enough – the changes that can occur when working with Andrew truly are magic! ”
Ali Lees, Google review

“Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend him.”
Jenny, Massage therapist, Bristol

“We started seeing Andrew during a very difficult time, and without his help we would have split up. We both found Andrew’s sessions really helpful and it gave us the insight and tools to iron out the issues that were causing the most problems. Things between us are now really good and we are once again planning a future together.”
Couple who wish anonymity

“I’ve had many therapists over the years, and Andrew has been the most significant to date. He helped me see my life more clearly, he lifted a vale of confusion. I will forever be grateful to Andrew, and have recommended him to multiple people since working together. ”
Holly Smith, Google review

“I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.”
Client who requests anonymity.

“Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. He really listens. I feel deeply heard and understood in his sessions and have the space to discover ‘the answers’ for myself. The questions he asks and the comments he does offer are well thought-out and illuminating. I feel he is really there for me and I always experience a big shift in my understanding afterwards. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or simply want to be heard, I highly recommend him. Jenny, massage therapist, Bristol. ”
Jenny, massage therapist, Bristol.

“… I had experienced a lot of trauma in my childhood that I had not been able to fully deal with my whole adult life. I had 10 sessions with Andrew and now I am no longer triggered as I had always been by certain situations and interactions. I can love myself finally and this has completely changed my romantic relationships and my career! So many of my friends want to see Andrew now after seeing this dramatic, positive change within me! ”
Kay Dent, Google review

“I am finally comfortable with myself and at peace with past experiences. I highly recommend Andrew. He is a true soul healer. ”
Mal Szwarc, Google review

“[Couples clients] Cannot recommend Andrew enough. The most attentive, insightful, astute & compassionate therapist. The difference in our relationship – how we communicate, how we understand & relate to one another, how we’re able to support one another – is absolutely massive, & yet it feels like we’ve only had to make tiny tweaks to get there. Andrew is incredible at facilitating a safe, supportive place, making it surprisingly easy to be truly open & honest & to therefore get the most out of the sessions. Thank you for everything, this therapy has been life changing. ”
Naomi Kent, Google review

“ Andrew is an amazing human being! We had a few very useful sessions. He is totally and genuinely committed to helping people. … Thank you Andrew! ”
Pedro Da Silva, Google review

“Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations. [Andrew was] brilliant – a complete star! Emma C ♥♥♥ A very good course. It has changed how I relate. Helen D ♥♥♥ [Andrew had some] … profound insights into relationships … explained clearly. Natasha M ♥♥♥ Met needs I didn’t know I had! I loved the fast-track approach to raising self-esteem … [I had] “eureka” and “lights being switched on” moments. Fiona M. ♥♥♥ Very profound, enriching unravelling of the complexities of relationships. Really enlightening exercises. [Name withheld] ”
Feedback from the last relationship workshop I ran in Bristol.

“Andrew is a highly experienced therapist who works with a number of different techniques, some unusual and unexpected (but in a good way!) that get to the heart of your issues quickly. He works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session. I would recommend Andrew to anyone looking for help in dealing with life’s questions. ”
Client who requests anonymity.

Fees, location, etc

Frequent practical questions

Half-hour preliminary meeting: Both for individuals and couples, there’s no charge and no obligation. Please contact me here to arrange one.

For individual therapy: The first session is two hours, £140-00. All subsequent sessions are one and a half hours, £105-00. The time in between is up to you, and most people choose three or four weeks.

For couples: Length of sessions is the same as for individuals. The first session is two hours, £210. Subsequent sessions are 1.5 hours, £155.

- The time between sessions is up to you and is not meant to be weekly. Mostly people choose three or four weeks.
- There is no commitment to a fixed number of sessions.
- Fees are payable before each session by bank transfer ie by phone banking. I don’t take credit cards.

My office is 7, Unity St BS1 5HH. This is the road at the bottom of Park St directly opposite College Green with a pizza place on the left hand corner and a Cafe Restore on the right hand corner. If you’re driving, the low-level exit from Trenchard St is only a couple of hundred yards away.

My therapy model is a burst of sessions, rather than long term continuing. Roughly half of individual clients come for 5 – 10 sessions and roughly half of couples come for 4 – 8 sessions. You should get a sense of how things are going after the first couple of sessions. A few individuals do come for longer, some for a dozen or a few up to 20 or 24 sessions.

It goes without saying I don’t mean that all or any problems can be healed in that time. Rather, my model is to turn the corner which life is inviting you to turn in the present moment. That could be a huge or a small corner. There may or may not be other corners to turn in the future.

There’s no commitment to any fixed number of sessions. You get a free choice of time between sessions, and most people choose three or four weeks, or sometimes fortnightly just to start off with (all subject to my diary).

Prior to starting we have a half hour initial meeting. There is no charge for this and no obligation. Please contact me here to arrange one.

Yes, if you’d like to write something down you’re welcome. Just ask and I’ll give you a clipboard.

There’s easy parking in Trenchard St multistorey. The low-level exit is only a couple of hundred yards walk from my office.

There are bike racks in the street, and you can also bring the bike up a few steps into the downstairs lobby.

No, you can choose any day/time that works, subject to availability.

For both couples and individuals, the first session is 2 hours, and the rest are 1.5 hours.

I offer a free choice of time between sessions, and mostly people choose three or four weeks. That’s subject to availability; if booking from one session to the next, I can’t guarantee the preferred time will be free. However we can work round this and ensure the preferred time by pencilling in two or three sessions ahead.

Payment is by BACS ie mobile banking, session by session, in advance of the appointment.

My office hours are:

Monday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday – closed.
Subject to availability, possible appointment hours are:

11:30-1:00 on Tuesday and Thursday (but not Wednesday)
2:30 – 4:00 on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday
4:30 – 6:00 on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday
7:00-8:30 pm on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday

To fit in the first, 2-hour, appointment I extend these hours like this: the three daytime slots start half and hour earlier, and the evening slot ends half an hour later (ie 7:00 – 9:00 pm.)

I greatly prefer working in person. Online, some subtle important thing is lost. If working only online, as time goes on it’s lost more and more. I’m happy to do the occasional session online, for example if childcare falls through at the last minute. But I’m very reluctant to do all sessions only online.

For one-offs, couples sessions seem to go better online than individuals because the two people themselves are in-person in the same room. Sessions where myself and both members of the couple are in three different locations are in my experience a waste of time, and I don’t do these at all.