The Red Flag couples self-help exercise

This exercise is a lifesaver for couples having fights. Many instinctively do something similar but leave out the crucial part. So here’s the best way to do it.

How to cool things off when tempers flare

You want to say things calmly, but – you can’t. Words flow quickly, semi-conscious emotions get triggered, tempers rise, anger take over, shouting … tears, alone, bitterness.

Such fights are horrible. Like any fire, the time to put it out is when it’s small. Here is how:

Agree that whenever tempers are rising, either of you can say that you need a timeout to come back to yourself. Either person can say this, and if one does, both people must automatically agree to it.
Promise you will return and talk about things, set a time you will return, and come back then. At the point you start the cooling off period, you must be sure not just that you’ll resume, but when. And you must return at that time.
The timeout can be as simple as both remembering you want things to be different, and counting to ten. It could be to have a tea break, or come together the next day. You might agree a fixed time of 10 minutes or an hour in advance, or choose and agree in the moment, different each time.
The mistake many couples make is to break off without agreeing in advance when you’ll return. That’s not cooling off, that’s storming off, and it leave the other person feeling abandoned and devastated.
BOTH KEEP YOUR PROMISE. Come back when you promised, and come back to the issue. If at the end of the period you are still too worked up to talk, nevertheless come back or phone, confirm you are not storming off and make an extention, again for a fixed time.
Whoever needs the longer length of cooling off period gets to decide the time. Sometimes one person is super keen to “Sort this out now!!!!!” If so that person has to give up their wish. It has to be the person who needs a longer break who gets their way. Equally if one person always want to get away, they have to face up and come back.
When you talk again, aim to approach things calmly in the spirit of listening and understanding without interrupting.

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