The Red Flag couples self-help exercise
This lifesaver exercise is well known in the marriage therapy world, and it’s a lifesaver. Many couples instinctively do something similar but leave out the essential part. So here’s the complete detailed version.
Agree a “red flag” process to cool things off when tempers flare
Agree that when things get too much, you will do this.
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Say that you need a timeout to come back to yourself. I’ll term this “wave red flag.” Either person can say this, and if one does, both people must agree to it.
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Promise you will return and talk about things. And you will return after a time you have either agreed in advance, or you promise at the moment you wave the red flag.
For example you could agree in advance you’ll have a standard pause for ten minutes or half an hour that’s you’ll always use; or always come back to it at breakfast on Saturday if not before. Or you could choose a time on the spot eg you’ll go for a walk for an hour and then come back, or talk again on Sunday evening. Or again you might just want 10 or 20 minutes.
Either way you MUST BOTH state and agree the time between you BEFORE you start the cooling off period. Both partners must be sure not just that the conversation will continue. They must be sure before either end the conversation WHEN it will continue.
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Cooling off is different from storming off. If one person just says “Oh I can’t cope this again!” and storms out for a walk or to go to bed, the person left behind feels abandoned, ignored, and powerless. They why you MUST BOTH promise when you’ll be back, BEFORE you leave. Be clear that you are not storming off because you are abandoning the other person, giving up on talking or to create a drama.
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BOTH KEEP YOUR PROMISE. Come back when you promised, and come back to the issue. (If at the end of the period you are still too worked up to talk, no prob, nevertheless come back or phone, confirm you are not storming off and make an extention, again for a fixed time.)
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Whoever needs the longer length of cooling off period gets to decide the time. Sometimes one person is super keen to “Sort this out now!!!!!” If so that person has to give up their wish. It has to be the person who needs a longer break who gets their way.
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When you talk again, aim to approach things calmly in the spirit of listening without interrupting and understanding.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation … we are challenged to change ourselves.”
– Austrian psychoanalyst Victor Frankl , speaking of how he survived four concentration camps in WWII