(1) Agree a red-flag STOP signal
This is so important it’s got its own section: the red flag exercise to escape Instagram loops.
(2) Communicate in writing
The golden rule is, if it doesn’t work, don’t do it; try anything else. So if talking doesn’t work, don’t do it. Communicate in writing.
Details are up to you. One way would be to agree a time of say one hour or half an hour. Sit down with pens and paper, and write short messages to each other. I’d say to better avoid multi-bullet point memos, keep to one point on each message. You can combine this with an element from the next device, and have a short time-out, say 3 or 5 minutes, between replies.
(2) Talk in timed turns, with or without pauses
Agree in advance to a structure for talking, that you will take turns. Three or five minutes each is good – I’ll use three as the example. One person talks for three minutes and the other JUST LISTENS. The listener does not respond, does not add anything, does not comment, does not interrupt, does not pull faces, JUST LISTENS. Then change over. the second person responds and the first person JUST LISTENS.
When the times goes at the end of the period, stop at once, do not carry on – just stop. Equally if you run out of things to say before the end of your time, SIT THERE IN SILENCE WITHOUT SPEAKING. Something valuable might float up from a deeper place after one or two or three minutes of silence. So take your whole turn.
Do this for an agreed period of say 30 minutes or one hour. You can do it by appointment, or on the spur of the moment when things flare up.
A variation is to build in a period of silence: say, one talks for three minutes, then both are silent for two minutes, then the other responds for three minutes, then both are silent for two minutes.
Again you might like to try both (2) and (3) with neutral topics – where to go on holiday, what colour to paint the flat – to feel what it is like and experiment with the timings. Details are up to you.
(4) Hold hands – both hands – while you talk
While you talk, hold both hands and stay in the feeling of the hands as you speak. In other words, don’t be absent-minded and forget about the hands the way your forget about your shoes. Stay present and let the physical contact makes things different. If you like, sit in silence for a while, holding hands.
No need to get caught on details, but ideally have one hand palm up and one hand palm down, so there is a balanced feeing of giving and taking – palm up often feels like receiving, palm down like giving.
Finally, notice what works and do it more and sooner
These exercises will cut through the old habits. Something will get better. Conflicts will end a bit sooner (or a lot sooner) and there will be more resolution. Don’t let those large or small improvements go to waste. Look at, and talk about, what works. What could you do more of, or do it sooner? What can you give yourself a pat on the back for, and make into a new, good habit? What can you say “Thank you” to your partner for? – and do say it, and say it often. Nourish the small seeds of brilliance and they will grow brilliantly into big flowers of brilliance.