Questions to ask from the heart

“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If it doesn’t work, don’t do it. It if works do it more. If it might work, give it a try.” – Anon

“It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

Moments I’d Like More Of: a very useful conversation with your partner about what works

There are whole books of questions to ask your beloved to deepen intimacy. Here are some that are especially  useful because they are grounded in the practicalities of real life.  At the same time they help identify what to do more of and what to do less, and also invite sharing about what the things you want more of less of mean to you, how they touch your heart or your passion. Because they deal with things that already happen, they are really concrete so both you and your partner can easily know exactly what you’re talking about. Finally they make you focus on what does “it works” mean for you? What are your outcomes?

With all the questions, be sure to talk about the meaning actions for you, how they touch you, what they give you – positive or negative – deep inside of you. You may need to be very honest.

The exercise:

• What moments in your life work? On your own, with your partner? Large, small, recent, long ago? What moments in the relationship would you say “that works”?
• Set aside a time you won’t be interrupted.
• Take equal time. Don’t interrupt each other. Either have chunks of time of say 5 or ten minutes where first you speak and the other listens, then the other speaks and you listen.  Or, take turns, you say something that works for you, he/she says something that works, then you again, alternately.
• No advice. You talk about what works for you, your partner about what works for them.
• You first want concrete specific definite memories of moments when something did already happen or got said that worked for you. There’s a range of examples in the list below.
• It needs to be described clearly and specifically so each of you knows what to do more of or less of.
• Include both things as a couple, and your own individual actions that don’t involve your partner. For example “It works for me if I meditate, or run, every day.” Include things that worked with previous partners! if it works for you to include those.
• Include sex and making love.
• Look at everything that works in any context. Don’t worry if it works to solve your current conflict. Just, “for me, that worked, more would be good.”
• You can include qualities you love or enjoy in the other or you feel gratitude for. But for the purpose of this particular exercise, be sure you mainly explain actual actions and behaviours that worked and have already happened.
• You can also include new actions you’d like to request. But only after you’ve both mentioned a good number of things that have actually happened that worked for you.
• Tiny, tiny things are good! One grass seed can make a whole meadow green.