The barefoot stress counsellor: a solution-oriented self-help tool

Many healing methods trust the good in people, but only Solution-oriented Therapy makes that trust the method of doing therapy. This self-help tool gives you the flavour of it.

The Barefoot Stress Counsellor

Credit with much gratitude for the original version of this: Chris Evans of the Brief Therapy Practice in London. Today widely known, at the time Chris wrote this, these ideas were a distinctive and different approach to self help. It’s an excellent tool. Its a series of questions you can ask yourself, based on a research-validated method called solution-oriented therapy. You can do it on your own, or with a friend.

I’ve edited it so much over many years I can no longer be sure where what he wrote ends and mine begins – anyway, BIG thank you Chris.

You may find the questions difficult to answer on your own. It’s an effective and uplifting form of personal development. The art of making it successful is not so much in the questions, which are nowadays widely available online. The key to success is having someone ask you the questions who has conviction that we all of us contain treasures of strength, capability, trust, intuition, beauty, grace and wisdom which are always there even when we get disconnected from them. If you’re depressed, you lose track of that.

Sometimes this method asks you to keep on answering the same question over and over and over again, 10 times or 20 times. It’s really valuable if you do that. When you drill a well (and in the past I have drilled wells) you have to keep drilling and drilling in one place and it’s dry, it’s dry, it’s dry no water, no water … then 20 meters down there’s water. It’s the same with the questions. If you keep digging through the dryness and negativity you come to the buried treasures in the subconscious mind. One trick if you run out of answers, is to give details, maybe small, of previous answers. If all else fails, come back to the same question on the following day.

First, on a scale from 0-10 ( where 0 is the worst possible, 10 is the best possible), , how bad is your stress or your other problem right now?

If your answer is 3 or 4 or less, and it’s steady at that level from day to day, that may be a sign that you need outside help.

If it’s 2 or less steadily from day to day then I’d say you definitely need outside help.

NOBODY can do it always on their own – nobody. See here for two depression tests and advice on when to go to your doctor.

Question 1. The human mind focuses on the negative and it feeds on the negative. That’s not just your mind, that’s everyone. So Question 1 may be a bit of a shock, but it makes a lot of sense. Wherever you are on the scale, Why aren’t things worse? Make a list of 20 (yes, at least 20) things which are stopping things from getting worse. If your first answer was 0 or 1 or maybe 2, then a better first question might be How to do you keep going? How come you still manage to look at self-help exercises? (And remember, at that low level, please consider going to your doctor or other outside help.)

If it’s hard to find 20 answers, remember to fill in details of the answers you’ve given, and if necessary, come back to the question tomorrow. But do your best to keep going to 20.

Question 2. Now list at least ten things that you would notice if you were just on the edge of moving a half a point up the scale eg from a “3” to a “3.5”. These do not have to be big things, just things that belong to a 3.5 rather than a 3 (for example.) This question is carefully worded. If I’d said “from 3 to 4” them our minds fill in either what we should, ought or must do to get from 3 to 4, or things we long for that are out of reach. This is aiming for the borderline zone where something is just at the very beginning of being different.

Question 3. This next question is famous, it’s “the miracle question”. This is my version. It’s not about outside miracles, because they can feel unrealistic or disrespectful. But miracles of the human heart really, really do happen. They’ve happened to me, they happen to my clients, and if they’ve not happened to you yet, they certainly can. Be realistic, plan for a miracle.

Here’s the question. Imagine that in the night tonight a miracle of the human heart occurs inside of you. When you wake up in the morning, even if the outside situation is the same, you miraculously don’t regard it as beyond you. Even if negative thoughts still come to you, miraculously you don’t believe them. If any of that feels impossible – it’s a miracle. But you don’t know that “a miracle has happened.”

Take at least 10 minutes and be explicit and detailed about:

>>> what you specifically would and would not do and

>>> what you specifically would and would not say to others and

>>> what you specifically would and would not say to yourself.

The answers do not have to be big or dramatic, tiny but real details are excellent. Of course, they can be big

Question 4. Imagine looking back on the present situation from some time in the future (weeks, years, months). And looking back, you discover that the problem did get resolved. Looking back, what was the first thing, maybe small, which you did or said to yourself in the earlier time which started to resolve the problem?

Question 5. List 20 (yes, 20) things in your life you are grateful for or glad to have in your life. They may be things you take for granted (getting running water from a tap, being able to read) and they can be very, very small. (Really, 20. Take your time.)

Question 6. If you have any response to stress you don’t like, plan what you will do instead, the next time the same stress happens.

Question 7. What is the smallest change you could make which would result in the problem situation being a bit different? (eg if you fight with your partner as soon as you come home, leave off discussions until after dinner; or if you want to eat fewer crisps, don’t go down the crisps aisle in the supermarket.)

Or, if you took a more light-hearted attitude, what would be different? How could you even regard the problem as laughable?

What could you do to completely surprise yourself in the problem situation? – something totally out of character in a useful or lighthearted way?

Finally, at some time, try this famous old exercise and spend a couple of hours pretending that you are happy. Another famous old exercise is to find a flower, sit down, and for half and hour, tell it your problems. And listen to what it says in reply.

“Working with Andrew was an incredibly deep, profound and life changing experience. I went to Andrew thinking I needed to be cured of loving the love of my life – thankfully this didn’t happen. I cannot thank or recommend Andrew highly enough – the changes that can occur when working with Andrew truly are magic! ”
Ali Lees, Google review

“Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend him.”
Jenny, Massage therapist, Bristol

“We started seeing Andrew during a very difficult time, and without his help we would have split up. We both found Andrew’s sessions really helpful and it gave us the insight and tools to iron out the issues that were causing the most problems. Things between us are now really good and we are once again planning a future together.”
Couple who wish anonymity

“I’ve had many therapists over the years, and Andrew has been the most significant to date. He helped me see my life more clearly, he lifted a vale of confusion. I will forever be grateful to Andrew, and have recommended him to multiple people since working together. ”
Holly Smith, Google review

“I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.”
Client who requests anonymity.

“Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. He really listens. I feel deeply heard and understood in his sessions and have the space to discover ‘the answers’ for myself. The questions he asks and the comments he does offer are well thought-out and illuminating. I feel he is really there for me and I always experience a big shift in my understanding afterwards. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or simply want to be heard, I highly recommend him. Jenny, massage therapist, Bristol. ”
Jenny, massage therapist, Bristol.

“… I had experienced a lot of trauma in my childhood that I had not been able to fully deal with my whole adult life. I had 10 sessions with Andrew and now I am no longer triggered as I had always been by certain situations and interactions. I can love myself finally and this has completely changed my romantic relationships and my career! So many of my friends want to see Andrew now after seeing this dramatic, positive change within me! ”
Kay Dent, Google review

“I am finally comfortable with myself and at peace with past experiences. I highly recommend Andrew. He is a true soul healer. ”
Mal Szwarc, Google review

“[Couples clients] Cannot recommend Andrew enough. The most attentive, insightful, astute & compassionate therapist. The difference in our relationship – how we communicate, how we understand & relate to one another, how we’re able to support one another – is absolutely massive, & yet it feels like we’ve only had to make tiny tweaks to get there. Andrew is incredible at facilitating a safe, supportive place, making it surprisingly easy to be truly open & honest & to therefore get the most out of the sessions. Thank you for everything, this therapy has been life changing. ”
Naomi Kent, Google review

“ Andrew is an amazing human being! We had a few very useful sessions. He is totally and genuinely committed to helping people. … Thank you Andrew! ”
Pedro Da Silva, Google review

“Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations. [Andrew was] brilliant – a complete star! Emma C ♥♥♥ A very good course. It has changed how I relate. Helen D ♥♥♥ [Andrew had some] … profound insights into relationships … explained clearly. Natasha M ♥♥♥ Met needs I didn’t know I had! I loved the fast-track approach to raising self-esteem … [I had] “eureka” and “lights being switched on” moments. Fiona M. ♥♥♥ Very profound, enriching unravelling of the complexities of relationships. Really enlightening exercises. [Name withheld] ”
Feedback from the last relationship workshop I ran in Bristol.

“Andrew is a highly experienced therapist who works with a number of different techniques, some unusual and unexpected (but in a good way!) that get to the heart of your issues quickly. He works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session. I would recommend Andrew to anyone looking for help in dealing with life’s questions. ”
Client who requests anonymity.

“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humour, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or deescalated, and a person is humanized or dehumanised. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.”
– Goethe