Authentic pain is part of life; depression isn’t

There are many types of depression. One of these is the depressive spiral that happens when someone turns away from the truth of their emotions or the truth of their life. For example, one common cause of depression is stuck grief.

Let’s say that a woman’s husband dies. (Of course interchange the sexes here.) She loved him very much, she’s heartbroken. If she surrenders to her grief, a paroxysm of bitter pain will seize her. It will feel like her heart is being torn apart. But it is only short-lived: the peak of grief only lasts for a few minutes. And she might feel that peak on a finite number of occasions. And then, while still keeping a place for him in her heart, she can get on with her life.

But maybe she can’t or won’t feel that grief. It’s too overwhelming, too terrible, or she’s too on her own to bear it, or she has to get on with things to carry the rest of the family on her own. Then, as would every one of use, it’s a natural protection to clamp down on the emotions. Yes, this is a type of protection and may be essential in the short term.

Yet she is turning away from an essential part of her aliveness – her grief. The grief is painful, but living it, feeling it, is the only bridge to the future. Only feeling the grief can give her the gift of a fresh start and a bright future. Without feeling it, she is likely to become depressed. [Life is complex. Stuck grief can manifest in other ways too. Also, stuck grief has an opposite: endless grief, unending tears. This means that there is some other underlying emotion, perhaps guilt or anger, which the person does not acknowledge to themselves.]

Authentic pain is part of aliveness

A key step in her healing process will be, at the right time, to face the fact that her husband is dead. She may weep bitterly, and it may look for a moment as if the depression is worse. But it is not. Authentic pain is part of our aliveness; when you feel it you are alive, not depressed. These are not tears of misery and hopelessness, these are healing tears. This is not understanding, insight, rumination or analysis. It is a courageous step to face reality. It looks as if it is focused on the past, but it is not. It is a strong action, overdue but entirely in the present: the action of saying good-bye so that life can move on.

The un-acknowledged emotion doesn’t have to be grief. It could be anything at all. Depression is also commonly caused by anger which can’t be expressed outwards and then gets turned inwards towards the person’s own self.

To repeat, life is complex and this is the merest outline sketch of only one situation, although a common one.

“This human being is a guest house: every morning, a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness; some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, Still, treat each guest honourably. He may be clearing your out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. Jelaluddin Rumi ”
– Jelaluddin Rumi

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