You Colour Me by Pocket Universe – deepen your relationship via pop songs
Here’s a simple exercise to make your relationship deeper. Listen with your partner to this track (You Color Me by Pocket Universe) – a woman laying it on the line about not being seen straight. Then talk with your beloved about seeing the real person that he or she is, and letting yourself be seen. That’s it, listen and share, and your relating will move a step towards deeper intimacy.
I got the idea from some great research by Dr. Ron Rogge that newly-wed couples can halve their divorce rate simply by watching and discussing five movies about everyday relating. I don’t claim any such dramatic results for this playlist of pop songs! But listen together to these tracks, discuss them together, and you will at the least have a more loving understanding of each other.
You Colour Me by Pocket Universe
“You colour me with the lens of your perception
Forming opinion of me with the sum of your experience
But do you know the ‘me’ that you see is not Who I am?”
[Song by Pocket Universe from their CD Torment]
Often we don’t show ourselves fully even to our beloved, but instead show more or less a mask. Equally, often we don’t see our beloved straight. We see instead our projections: who we think or fear the other is, or who we long for them to be and therefore absolutely demand they become. Between showing masks and seeing projections, sometimes two people have not all that much real connection.
Real love can only flow between people who are real. That means two things. First, that you have the courage not to show a mask, but instead trust, that your true colours are beautiful. Second, it means that you see the other person as they actually are and don’t colour them with your perceptions.
I ask couples questions like this: “Write down, but don’t say aloud, the one crucial need you have in the relationship. Now, out loud, tell the other person what you think they have written down.” Rarely the answers match. If the other person thinks you long for “protection” when you actually want “freedom”, no surprise if you feel not seen and your needs not met. Plus, chances are excellent the other person needs protection, can’t admit it to themselves, and is projecting their need onto you.
Here are just a few things you might like to talk about. The topic of projection, masks and personas is a big one. This is just a few topics loosely based round the song.
Take turns in some manner that you have equal time. Speak and listen without interruption. Answer whichever questions you like, they’re just suggestions. Choose the conversation so the exercise is fun – the idea is to give an outlet to your shared brilliance in making a brilliant relationship.
- Talk about some specific time in your past, with another person, when you mis-judged that person and later realised they were not how you imagined. Big event or small, at any age. What did you learn about yourself?
- Talk about some time when you were younger, ie not in this relationship, when you projected an image or made sure you looked good, but underneath it was different. At work, or romantically, or with parents.
- How do you want people to see you? How do you ensure that?
- How does it feel talking about all of this, easy or scary?
- How are you afraid people might see you, and what do you do to prevent that?
- Who’s the person you’ve most changed your mind about in your whole life? For the better? For the worse? How did you create that you got them wrong? How did you change your mind?
- What are the mistakes you think make / have made in seeing your partner?
- What are the mistakes you WANT your partner to make in seeing you, ie the image you project?
- What are the mistake you think your partner WANTS you to make, ie the image he or she projects?
- How do you think you colour your perception of your partner?
- How do you think your partner colours his or her perception of you?
- What touches you most about this song? What’s the strongest hope or fear it brings up for you?
- On one piece of paper, write down in order the three things you believe the other person most wants from you. On another, write down the three things you need from the other person. Both do this. Then compare notes.