Adele’s River Lea: Finding love, but not letting love in

Finding love but not letting love in: Adele’s River Lea

Adele’s River Lea  is one of the rare songs where the protagonist talks about herself. It’s not, as most pop songs are,  just about her emotions.  It’s about her internal choices and what she’s learning about herself.

From the point of view of real relationships, most pop songs have a big flaw. They focus on the other person, and on how the other person causes the singer to feel. The other is loyal – the singer feels happy and concludes the other person is good. The other leaves or cheats – the singer is unhappy, and concludes the other is bad. Sure, that’s one part of life. But with most pop songs it’s all there is. And life contains the VERY important part where you learn about YOURSELF, not the other person.

Life isn’t just about finding love on the outside. It’s about having the courage – oh, it takes courage – that when love is there, you make the choice to open up your vulnerability to let love in.

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That’s meditation?! – La Roux, In For The Kill

That’s meditation?! –  La Roux, In For The Kill

In for the kill
by Elly Jackson (La Roux)

This song doesn’t sound like meditation, it certainly does not. But it is; at least if you get rid of the idea that meditation means sitting quietly still. Instead think of meditation as “choiceless awareness of life”. Then, this is a song with a certain kind of quality of meditation to it.

In any case, this is definitely a “pop song with truth.” That’s simply because the protagonist isn’t singing about needing or getting or losing the other person; she’s singing about herself. She’s celebrating herself even in getting rejected by the other person. That fact in itself makes this different from 99% of pop songs.

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Universal love and “private-reality” love in your relationship

Icon Rumi love barriers yellow flowers 1Universal love and private-reality love in your relationship

Before I start, I want to make clear that I never start work with any couple by talking about things like this. Relationship counselling can be very successful, indeed sometimes more successful, without ever mentioning such things. Couples benefit most from starting with (maybe staying with), a practical and direct approach that each partner is brilliant and together they can draw on what’s brilliant in the relationship to heal things.  For practical everyday relationship exercises, see for example Watch movies and grow closer and If doesn’t work, do something different. So this post is kind of what’s going on under the bonnet. It’s pretty advanced. You can most often drive the car without knowing. ( Index page to all relationship posts)

In your relationship, in every sexual relationship, there are three versions of love. THREE. There is universal love, in itself complex and multidimensional; love in relationship, love in presence of being, and infinitely so much else. Plus on top there are two versions of  what I’ll term “private reality” love: your private version of love, and your partner’s version. If you want to feel a deep and nourishing flow of intimacy and close connection with your beloved, you need to begin to step out of private realities about love. Real love has a universal quality. It is not interested in, does not care about, your private ideas around what love should or must or ought to be. These only get in the way. The challenge in answering the call of love is to step out of our private realities and into something larger.

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