Fighting is not compulsory – first aid for couples conflicts

Fighting is not compulsory – first aid for couples conflicts

Do you have painful repeating habitual fights in your relationship? Do you have eruptions you can’t control, walk-outs that scare you to death, or repeating fights about the same things over and over and over … and over and over? In an earlier post I wrote about the importance of If It Doesn’t Work, Do Something DIFFERENT. This present post is a few all-purpose first-aid measures you can do to interrupt those stale, dead, painful repeating cycles.  Then you can make room for listening, understanding, intimate closeness. Many of the couples tell me  they find these rather enlightening: Oh! We don’t have to fight!

You can do any one of these on its own, or two, or three, or all four, whatever works. (more…)

What my clients say

You are really, really a very kind person. Thank you for your effort and advice in helping me!

I was never convinced counselling would work. But your approach and your ability to use different methods to suit individual needs has truly changed me on a deep level.

The very first session I had with him was so helpful and powerful that I recommended him to two other people straightaway.

Andrew works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session.

I have made some major breakthroughs in sessions with you.

I was blown away by your insightful and transformative approach.

A different approach from other therapists I have seen before, so that I have finally solved my problem.

More happened in the first session I had with you than in 4 or 5 sessions with a counsellor.

[Your hypnosis] was remarkably effective and entirely different and tailor-made for my individual needs and experiences. Thank you!!!

Although counselling was new territory for me, it was invaluable and worth every penny.

Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations.

Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend…

I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.

Don’t complain about feelings, make requests for actions

Don’t complain about feelings, make requests for actions

Relationships are about love, sex, fun, communication, emergence, transformation.  Whether you travel together for a day or a lifetime, every journey is step by step from this here and now … to this here and now. Communication works best when it is rooted step by step in the here and now. Sometimes the heart invites us to flow with deep currents; still, there is no other moment than now. This post is about keeping communication in the here and now. It is, if you like, a form of relationship meditation or communication mindfulness.

It’s simple and it is useful and it is basic to good communication. The key is grammatically-positive communication. That means that you ask for what you want instead of complaining about what you don’t want.

Far too often, we tell the other person either what we don’t want or don’t like (“I’m not happy about our sex life”, “You spend too much”),  or we ask for vague things like. “I want to feel you want me”, “I want you to respect me.” Mostly this is combined with hurt emotions imported from our own past. Such communication has no root in here-and-now physical life.  At best it goes round in circles. At worst it degenerates into a toxic cycle that can easily sink even a relationship full of love and affection.

This isn’t by any means all there is to intimate communication. But grammatically negative communication is like potholes on a runway, it stops love from flying.

Click here for all “pop songs with truth” posts   ♦   Click here for all relationship and couples posts   ♦    Click here for  all radical meditation posts (more…)

What my clients say

You are really, really a very kind person. Thank you for your effort and advice in helping me!

I was never convinced counselling would work. But your approach and your ability to use different methods to suit individual needs has truly changed me on a deep level.

The very first session I had with him was so helpful and powerful that I recommended him to two other people straightaway.

Andrew works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session.

I have made some major breakthroughs in sessions with you.

I was blown away by your insightful and transformative approach.

A different approach from other therapists I have seen before, so that I have finally solved my problem.

More happened in the first session I had with you than in 4 or 5 sessions with a counsellor.

[Your hypnosis] was remarkably effective and entirely different and tailor-made for my individual needs and experiences. Thank you!!!

Although counselling was new territory for me, it was invaluable and worth every penny.

Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations.

Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend…

I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.

“You Colour Me” by Pocket Universe – deepen your relationship via pop songs

You Colour Me by Pocket Universe – deepen your relationship via pop songs

Here’s a simple exercise to make your relationship deeper.  Listen with your partner to this track (You Color Me by Pocket Universe) – a woman laying it on the line about not being seen straight. Then talk with your beloved about seeing the real person that he or she is, and letting yourself be seen. That’s it, listen and share, and your relating will move a step towards deeper intimacy. 

Click here for all “pop songs with truth” posts   ♦   Click here for all relationship and couples posts   ♦    Click here for  all radical meditation posts
(more…)

What my clients say

You are really, really a very kind person. Thank you for your effort and advice in helping me!

I was never convinced counselling would work. But your approach and your ability to use different methods to suit individual needs has truly changed me on a deep level.

The very first session I had with him was so helpful and powerful that I recommended him to two other people straightaway.

Andrew works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session.

I have made some major breakthroughs in sessions with you.

I was blown away by your insightful and transformative approach.

A different approach from other therapists I have seen before, so that I have finally solved my problem.

More happened in the first session I had with you than in 4 or 5 sessions with a counsellor.

[Your hypnosis] was remarkably effective and entirely different and tailor-made for my individual needs and experiences. Thank you!!!

Although counselling was new territory for me, it was invaluable and worth every penny.

Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations.

Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend…

I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.

“Love, look at the two of us” – deepen your relationship via pop songs

Love, look at the two of us  – deepen your relationship via pop songs

Here’s a fun exercise to make your relationship deeper.  Listen with your partner to “For all we know”, famously covered by the Carpenters. Then talk about it; I’ve also suggested an exercise you could do. That’s it, listen and share, and your relating will move a step towards deeper intimacy.  (More relationship postsmore  pop songs of truth and love)

I got the idea from some great research by Dr. Ron Rogge that newly-wed couples can halve their divorce rate simply by watching and discussing five movies about everyday relating.  I don’t claim any such dramatic results for this playlist of pop songs. But listen together to these tracks, discuss them together, and you will at the least have a more loving understanding of each other.

Click here for all “pop songs with truth” posts   ♦   Click here for all relationship and couples posts   ♦    Click here for  all radical meditation posts (more…)

What my clients say

You are really, really a very kind person. Thank you for your effort and advice in helping me!

I was never convinced counselling would work. But your approach and your ability to use different methods to suit individual needs has truly changed me on a deep level.

The very first session I had with him was so helpful and powerful that I recommended him to two other people straightaway.

Andrew works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session.

I have made some major breakthroughs in sessions with you.

I was blown away by your insightful and transformative approach.

A different approach from other therapists I have seen before, so that I have finally solved my problem.

More happened in the first session I had with you than in 4 or 5 sessions with a counsellor.

[Your hypnosis] was remarkably effective and entirely different and tailor-made for my individual needs and experiences. Thank you!!!

Although counselling was new territory for me, it was invaluable and worth every penny.

Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations.

Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend…

I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.

“Your true colours are beautiful” – deepen your relationship via pop songs

Your true colours are beautiful – deepen your relationship via pop songs

Here’s a fun exercise to make your relationship deeper.  Listen with your partner to Your True Colours are Beautiful by Cindy Lauper, then talk about your true colours; I’ve suggested some topics. That’s it, listen and share, and your relating will move a step towards deeper intimacy.
(more…)

What my clients say

You are really, really a very kind person. Thank you for your effort and advice in helping me!

I was never convinced counselling would work. But your approach and your ability to use different methods to suit individual needs has truly changed me on a deep level.

The very first session I had with him was so helpful and powerful that I recommended him to two other people straightaway.

Andrew works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session.

I have made some major breakthroughs in sessions with you.

I was blown away by your insightful and transformative approach.

A different approach from other therapists I have seen before, so that I have finally solved my problem.

More happened in the first session I had with you than in 4 or 5 sessions with a counsellor.

[Your hypnosis] was remarkably effective and entirely different and tailor-made for my individual needs and experiences. Thank you!!!

Although counselling was new territory for me, it was invaluable and worth every penny.

Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations.

Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend…

I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.

If it doesn’t work, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Icon insanity different einsteinIf it doesn’t work, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT

“If you do what you always did, you’ll get what you always got.” – Anon

“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If it doesn’t work, don’t do it. It if works do it more. If it might work, give it a try.” – Anon

“It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

OK, you get the message – this post is about trying different things. Particularly it’s about doing what works, not what doesn’t.  Simple, but effective. Obvious, but almost universally overlooked. Do what works for you!  There’s an exercise lower down that page, Moments I’d Like More Of, that I can’t recommend too highly. Not only will it help your relationship a lot. It will immunise you from having to read those silly lists on the internet of “Ten things to improve your relationship.”   You already know this, you just need to trust yourself and do those things more.   [More like this: index page to relationship posts] (more…)

What my clients say

You are really, really a very kind person. Thank you for your effort and advice in helping me!

I was never convinced counselling would work. But your approach and your ability to use different methods to suit individual needs has truly changed me on a deep level.

The very first session I had with him was so helpful and powerful that I recommended him to two other people straightaway.

Andrew works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session.

I have made some major breakthroughs in sessions with you.

I was blown away by your insightful and transformative approach.

A different approach from other therapists I have seen before, so that I have finally solved my problem.

More happened in the first session I had with you than in 4 or 5 sessions with a counsellor.

[Your hypnosis] was remarkably effective and entirely different and tailor-made for my individual needs and experiences. Thank you!!!

Although counselling was new territory for me, it was invaluable and worth every penny.

Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations.

Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend…

I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.

Gurdjieff Sacred Dance: meditation, but the very opposite to silent sitting

Gurdjieff Sacred Dance: meditation, but the very opposite to silent sitting

Gurdjieff sacred dances AmiyoToo often, meditation is presented as: sitting in silence, plus mindful daily actions. This is very incomplete. Sitting in silence suits only some newcomers to meditation. The ones it doesn’t suit feel left out or “I tried meditation and it didn’t work for me.” Really, for beginners, sitting in silence is delightful for the part of each person which is quiet / receptive / passive / allowing. Other exercises are every bit as much meditative, but give delight to our active / engaged / expansive / assertive energy. This “male meditation” is sadly neglected. In this post I’m going to present one very beautiful meditation for the active essence. It’s advanced, indeed difficult, and not for all. Please be assured I’ll explain DIY, active+silent meditations very soon which are dead easy.  But this is so beautiful to watch and to write about that I’ve put it first: Gurdjieff Movements, also called Gurdjieff Sacred Dances. For video links see below on this page. [Click here for all meditation posts] (more…)

What my clients say

You are really, really a very kind person. Thank you for your effort and advice in helping me!

I was never convinced counselling would work. But your approach and your ability to use different methods to suit individual needs has truly changed me on a deep level.

The very first session I had with him was so helpful and powerful that I recommended him to two other people straightaway.

Andrew works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session.

I have made some major breakthroughs in sessions with you.

I was blown away by your insightful and transformative approach.

A different approach from other therapists I have seen before, so that I have finally solved my problem.

More happened in the first session I had with you than in 4 or 5 sessions with a counsellor.

[Your hypnosis] was remarkably effective and entirely different and tailor-made for my individual needs and experiences. Thank you!!!

Although counselling was new territory for me, it was invaluable and worth every penny.

Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations.

Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend…

I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.

Barefoot stress counsellor: a solution-oriented self-help tool

Be realistic miracle colourThe Barefoot Stress Counsellor: a solution-oriented self-help tool

This is a good self-help technique which is different and effective. Its a series of questions you can ask yourself, based on a research-validated method called solution-oriented therapy.  You can do it on your own, or with a friend. The exercise was originally by Chris Evans of the Brief Therapy Practice in London, but I’ve edited it so much over many years I can no longer be sure where what he wrote ends and mine begins – anyway, BIG thank you Chris.

(Click here for all “pop songs with truth” posts   ♦   Click here for all relationship and couples posts   ♦    Click here for  all radical meditation posts)

(more…)

What my clients say

You are really, really a very kind person. Thank you for your effort and advice in helping me!

I was never convinced counselling would work. But your approach and your ability to use different methods to suit individual needs has truly changed me on a deep level.

The very first session I had with him was so helpful and powerful that I recommended him to two other people straightaway.

Andrew works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session.

I have made some major breakthroughs in sessions with you.

I was blown away by your insightful and transformative approach.

A different approach from other therapists I have seen before, so that I have finally solved my problem.

More happened in the first session I had with you than in 4 or 5 sessions with a counsellor.

[Your hypnosis] was remarkably effective and entirely different and tailor-made for my individual needs and experiences. Thank you!!!

Although counselling was new territory for me, it was invaluable and worth every penny.

Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations.

Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend…

I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.

Romantic film lists for the couples self-help exercise

bullet waves 11 washed-out red aa-img030_crGood films to use for the relationship deepening exercise

This is the list of films from the movie relationship self-help exercise (explanation and instructions here.)  You can use any other movies, as long as they feature two people sincerely trying to  solve a relationship issue and show the day-to-day dynamics. So pure romcoms, or films about falling in love, are not necessarily suitable.

(1) The 20 most films couples found most useful

You can stream these in many ways. Links  are to Bristol’s very own independent video rental shop , 20th Century Flicks, still open in 2024 though without fixed opening hours.

American beauty ♥ Funny Girl ♥ Before MidnightTwo for the roadObsessedWhen a Man Loves a Woman ♥  Husbands and Wives ♥  The Marriage Chronicles [Not released in the UK]♥  I Give It A Year ♥  Hope Springs ♥  The Way We Were ♥  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ♥  Yours, Mine and Ours ♥  Out of Towners ♥  The Five Year Engagement ♥  Her ♥  Children of a Lesser God ♥  Fools Rush In ♥  Four Christmases ♥  Dying Young ♥

Runners-up:

Marley and MeFather of the brideThis is 40Love StoryCouple’s Retreat ♥  Devil’s AdvocateForget Paris

(2) Full list of movies used in the study

Links here are to IMDB.

American Beauty (1999) Kevin Spacey and Annette Bening

Anger Management (2003) Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler

Autumn in New York (2000) Richard Gere and Winona Ryder

Bee Season (2005) Richard Gere and Juliette Binoche

Before Sunset (2004) Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy

Blue Valentine (2010) Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams

Coal Miner’s Daughter (1980) Sissy Spacek and Tommy Lee Jones

Couples Retreat (2009) Vince Vaughn and Malin Akerman

Crooklyn (1994) Alfre Woodard and Delroy Lindo

Date Night (2010) Steve Carell and Tina Fey

Deliver Us From Eva (2003) Gabrielle Union and LL Cool J

Devil Wears Prada (2006) Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep

Devils Advocate (1997) Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron

Family Man (2000) Nicolas Cage and Téa Leoni

Fatal Attraction (1987) Michael Douglas and Glenn Close

Father of the Bride (1991) Steve Martin and Diane Keaton

Fool’s Gold (2008) Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson

Four Christmases (2008) Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn

Her (2013) Joaquin Phoenix and Amy Adams

Hope Springs Meryl Streen and Tommy Lee Jones

It’s Complicated (2009) Meryl Streep and Steve Martin

Julie & Julia (2009) Amy Adams and Meryl Streep

Jumping the Broom (2011) Paula Patton and Laz Alonso

Just Married (2003) Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy

Life As We Know It (2010) Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel

Longtime Companion (1989) Stephen Caffrey and Patrick Cassidy

Love and Other Drugs (2010) Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway

Marley and Me (2008) Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston

Meet the Fockers (2004) Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro

Monster-in-Law (2005) Jennifer Lopez and Michael Vartan

Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2007) Martin Henderson and Jordana Brewster

Obsessed (2009) Beyoncé Knowles and Idris Elba

Something’s Gotta Give (2003) Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton

Surviving Christmas (2004) Ben Affleck and Christina Applegate

Sweet Home Alabama (2002) Reese Witherspoon and Patrick Dempsey

Sweet November (2001) Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron

Terms of Endearment (1983) Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger

The Five-year Engagement (2012) Jason Segel and Emily Blunt

The Back-up Plan (2010) Jennifer Lopez and Alex O’Loughlin

The Big Wedding (2013) Robert De Niro and Diane Keaton

The Bounty Hunter (2010) Jennifer Aniston and Gerald Butler

The Break-up (2006) Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn

The Campaign (2012) Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis

The Door in the Floor (2004) Jeff Bridges and Kim Basinger

The Glass House (2001) Diane Lane and Leelee Sobieski

The Good Girl (2002) Jennifer Aniston and Jake Gyllenhaal

The Horse Whisperer (1998) Robert Redford and Kristin Scott Thomas

The Marriage Chronicles (2012) Jazsmin Lewis and Darrin Dewitt Henson

The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996) Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges

The Money Pit (1986) Tom Hanks and Shelley Long

The Notebook (2004) Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams

The Story of Us (1999) Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer

Think Like a Man (2012) Chris Brown and Gabrielle Union

True Lies (1994) Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis

Unfaithful (2002) Richard Gere and Diane Lane

Waiting to Exhale (1995) Whitney Houston and Angela Bassett

Wanderlust (2012) Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd

What Lies Beneath (2000) Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer

When a Man Loves a Woman (1994) Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia

Why Did I Get Married? (2007) Tyler Perry and Janet Jackson

You, Me and Dupre (2006) Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson

(3) Even MORE films suggested by Dr Rogge but not used in the study

A Star Is Born (1954) Judy Garland and James Mason

Adam’s Rib (1949) Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn

Anna Karenina (2012) Keira Knightley and Jude Law

As Good as it Gets (1997) Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt

Barefoot in the Park (1967) Robert Redford and Jane Fonda

Children of a Lesser God (1986) William Hurt and Marlee Matlin

Days of Wine and Roses (1962) Jack Lemmon and Lee Remick

Desk Set (1957) Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn

Dying Young (1991) Julia Roberts and Campbell Scott

Fools Rush In (1997) Matthew Perry and Salma Hayek

Forget Paris (1995) Billy Crystal and Debra Winger

French Twist (1995) Patrick Aubrée and Josiane Balasko

Funny Girl (1968) Barbra Streisand and Omar Sharif

Gone With the Wind (1939) Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (1967) Spencer Tracy and Sidney Poitier

Hanover Street (1979) Harrison Ford and Lesley-Anne Down

Husbands and Wives (1992) Woody Allen and Mia Farrow

Indecent Proposal (1993) Robert Redford and Demi Moore

Jungle Fever (1991) Wesley Snipes and Anna Sciorra

Love Jones (1997) Larenz Tate and Nia Long

Love Story (1970) Ali MacGraw and Ryan O’Neal

Made for Each Other (1939) Carole Lombard and James Stewart

Mississippi Masala (1991) Denzel Washington and Sarita Choudhury

Move Over, Darling (1963) Doris Day and James Garner

Mr. Blandings Builds his Dreamhouse (1948) Cary Grant and Myrna Loy

My Favorite Wife (1940) Irene Dunne and Cary Grant

Nina Takes a Lover (1994) Laura San Giacomo and Paul Rhys

Nine Months (1995) Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore

On Golden Pond (1981) Katharine Hepburn and Henry Fonda

Pat and Mike (1952) Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn

Penny Serenade (1941) Cary Grant and Irene Dunne

Phffft [Pfft!] (1954) Judy Holliday and Jack Lemmon

Red Firecracker, Green Firecracker (1994) Jing Ning and Gang Wu

She’s Having a Baby (1988) Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern

Steel Magnolias (1989) Shirley MacLaine and Olympia Dukakis

Terms of Endearment (1983) Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger

The Devil’s Advocate (1997) Keanu Reeves and Al Pacino

The Egg and I (1947) Claudette Colbert and Fred MacMurray

The Male Animal (1942) Henry Fonda and Olivia de Havilland

The Out of Towners (1999) Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn

The Thin Man (1934) William Powell and Myrna Loy

The Way We Were (1973) Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford

Untamed Heart (1993) Christian Slater and Marisa Tomei

When a Man Loves a Woman (1994) Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966) Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton

With Six You Get Eggroll (1968) Doris Day and Brian Keith

Yours, Mine and Ours (2005) Dennis Quaid and Renne Russo

Relationship counselling and couples therapy resources

I especially like this exercise – it’s creative:

Other resources:

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What my clients say

You are really, really a very kind person. Thank you for your effort and advice in helping me!

I was never convinced counselling would work. But your approach and your ability to use different methods to suit individual needs has truly changed me on a deep level.

The very first session I had with him was so helpful and powerful that I recommended him to two other people straightaway.

Andrew works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session.

I have made some major breakthroughs in sessions with you.

I was blown away by your insightful and transformative approach.

A different approach from other therapists I have seen before, so that I have finally solved my problem.

More happened in the first session I had with you than in 4 or 5 sessions with a counsellor.

[Your hypnosis] was remarkably effective and entirely different and tailor-made for my individual needs and experiences. Thank you!!!

Although counselling was new territory for me, it was invaluable and worth every penny.

Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations.

Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend…

I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.

Snuggle up, discuss films, save your relationship

Save your relationship – discuss romantic films

This page is a fun, easy, relationship self-help exercise to bring you and your beloved closer together. In research it halved divorce rates in couples in their first few years of marriage. You watch five movies and discuss them together – and that’s it. It works. You can help your relationship as easily as that. Give it a go! – click here for instructions lower down on this page.

It’s based on a great piece of 2014 research from Dr Ron Rogge of the University of Rochester. Couples in the first few years of their marriage, who had not sought counselling,  watched five romantic movies together and then discussed them, one a week for five weeks. They halved their divorce rate. Indeed watching movies proved more effective than various kinds of training offered to control groups, including couples conflict management training and acceptance and compassion relationship training. Watching movies could save your marriage.

Here’s Dr Rogge:

Many couples might already have a sense of what they are doing well and what they are doing poorly in their own relationships. Thus, it may be beneficial for couples to simply take some time out of their lives to focus on their relationships and reinvest into those relationships.

Yes. Often, what couples and individuals need more than anything is a place of safety and respect to listen to their own inner voice of wisdom.  People come to me expecting to start by talking about what’s wrong, and they’re always surprised when I start by talking about what’s right and what their own wisdom suggests. But, this is what works best.

Instructions for the couples therapy movie exercise

  • Choose a film about relationships from these lists You can choose other films, not on the lists. They should be films which show the dynamics where two people make a sincere day-to-day effort to solve a relationship issue. So pure romcoms, or movies about falling in love, may not be suitable. Hey, watch them anyway, but as well not instead.
  • Have dates where you watch the film together, then discuss it for around 30 – 45 minutes using the questions below. These are copied from  Ron Rogge’s talking points list PDF from his divorce-prevention research, which you could print out.
    Repeat with a total of 5 movies. Roughly once a week is good.
  • Have fun!

The questions

1. What was the main relationship portrayed in the movie? This is the relationship that you will focus on in the following questions.

2. What main problem(s) did this couple face? Are any of these similar to the problems that the two of you have faced or might face as a couple?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

3. Did this couple strive to understand each other? Did they tend to accept one another, even if they were very different? Or did the couple tend to attack each others’ differences?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

4. Did the couple have a strong friendship with each other? Were they able to support each other through bad moods, stressful days, and hard times? Did they listen to each other like good friends? Did the couple in the movie do considerate or affectionate things for each other?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

5. How did the couple handle arguments or differences of opinion? Were they able to open up and tell each other how they really felt, or did they tend to just snap at each other with anger? Did they try using humor to keep things from getting nasty? Did it feel like they were really trying to understand each other?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

6. If the couple got into arguments, did they tend to become heated? Did the couple ever start attacking each other, getting increasingly mean and hostile? Did they end up saying things they didn’t really mean? Once this started happening, how did the arguments tend to end?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

7. When one of the partners brought up a problem, did he or she seem to do it in a constructive way (keeping things specific, explaining his or her feelings without attacking), or did it seem more like an attack? Did it seem like bringing up a problem became an assassination of the partner’s character?In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

8. How did the couple in the movie handle hurt feelings? Did they apologize to each other? Did the apologies seem sincere? Did they tend to jump to negative conclusions when their feelings got hurt, or did they tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

9. Did the partners seem to have similar expectations of their relationship? Where did their expectations differ? Did it seem like they were aware of their own expectations? Were their expectations reasonable? Did they share their expectations with each other?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

10. What other things happened in the movie that might lead you to think differently about your relationship/marriage?

Relationship counselling and couples therapy resources

I especially like this exercise – it’s creative:

Other resources:

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What my clients say

You are really, really a very kind person. Thank you for your effort and advice in helping me!

I was never convinced counselling would work. But your approach and your ability to use different methods to suit individual needs has truly changed me on a deep level.

The very first session I had with him was so helpful and powerful that I recommended him to two other people straightaway.

Andrew works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session.

I have made some major breakthroughs in sessions with you.

I was blown away by your insightful and transformative approach.

A different approach from other therapists I have seen before, so that I have finally solved my problem.

More happened in the first session I had with you than in 4 or 5 sessions with a counsellor.

[Your hypnosis] was remarkably effective and entirely different and tailor-made for my individual needs and experiences. Thank you!!!

Although counselling was new territory for me, it was invaluable and worth every penny.

Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations.

Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend…

I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.

Seven effective first-aid tips for panics and phobias

bullet waves 12 mauve aa-img030First aid for panics, fears and phobias

Here is a first-aid kit for dealing with panics, fears and phobias.

Fear thoughts pop into your mind automatically and you can’t just choose not to have them so that. But you always have at least some choice about whether you focus your attention on them or not.

The more you exercise this choice, the more power to choose your thinking you develop, until you have so much power to choose the calm and the positive that the negative thoughts vanish. The earlier in a panic episode you choose to focus on useful things, the easier it is. It may take several minutes (5 – 10) for doing the things below to take effect, so don’t expect instantaneous change. Persist.

  1. Don’t be afraid of feeling panicky. Panic may be unpleasant, but it won’t kill you, won’t make you ill, won’t last forever, doesn’t mean you are dying, doesn’t mean you are crazy. It’s just a feeling. Remember the ancient Eastern wisdom: “This too will pass.” The more you let yourself feel it, the quicker it will pass.
    If you get into an internal fight: “I MUST NOT PANIC” for any reason at all, you will make things only worse.
  2. Breathe slowly and deeply, making sure the out-breath is longer than the in-breath. Count to four as you breathe in, and six or seven as you breathe out. It is your own breathing and there is no need to let your breathing run away with you – you can choose to breathe slowly.
  3. Recognise that thoughts and images of things going wrong (the plane crashing, falling from a cliff, a spider crawling over you) are not right now, or not right here. Decisively change your focus to things which are physically right here, right now. See (4).
  4. Focus on things which are physically present right here, right now: sounds you can hear, colours you can see. You need to focus to do this and it may take you into a pleasant mildly trance-like state. Make the effort to pull your attention away from the suction of the negative onto simple, obvious, real, physical things.
  5. Don’t say things to yourself like “I mustn’t panic,” “This is terrible,” “I can’t cope” etc. Ask yourself what is useful to say, and say that. For example: “Right now, I am safe,” “I can cope,” “This won’t kill me,” “This may be unpleasant for a short while, but it will pass.”
  6. Pretend that everything is OK. Instead of saying to yourself “Ohmygod! It’s the first flash of panic and it will get worse and worse,” instead say: “Ah, I’m having a twinge of panic. I wonder what will be the first tiny sign that even so, everything is going to be OK?” And look for that sign and focus your attention on it. It may well be the same as (7), or different.
  7. If you focus on the panicky feelings, you set up a feedback loop and make them worse. Instead, feel the place in your body which is already calm and peaceful. There is always such a place. Resolutely choose to place your attention there. (You can do this while you do the 4-6 breathing.) This is just like (4), except that you are focussing on the safe place inside your body right here, right now rather than on everyday sights and sounds which are outside your body right here, right now.
  8. If you know it, EFT is good though not necessary.

 

What my clients say

You are really, really a very kind person. Thank you for your effort and advice in helping me!

I was never convinced counselling would work. But your approach and your ability to use different methods to suit individual needs has truly changed me on a deep level.

The very first session I had with him was so helpful and powerful that I recommended him to two other people straightaway.

Andrew works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session.

I have made some major breakthroughs in sessions with you.

I was blown away by your insightful and transformative approach.

A different approach from other therapists I have seen before, so that I have finally solved my problem.

More happened in the first session I had with you than in 4 or 5 sessions with a counsellor.

[Your hypnosis] was remarkably effective and entirely different and tailor-made for my individual needs and experiences. Thank you!!!

Although counselling was new territory for me, it was invaluable and worth every penny.

Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations.

Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend…

I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.

Depression test score interpretation

A bullets 8 blue flowers on blue aa-img027_crDepression tests – what the scores mean

This page explains the meaning of the scores of the two depression tests found here.  Please read the disclaimers on that page about such tests and about going to your GP if necessary. Be sure to check out these key symptoms of clinical depression which would indicate that you may have a clinical depression and should go to your doctor at once. If you are a teenager or young person, check out this page of helpful suggestions for who to talk to.

(1) Goldberg Depression Test

Add your answers up to give a total between 0 and 90:

  • 54 +     Severe depression
  • 36 – 53 Moderate/severe depression
  • 22 – 35 Mild to moderate depression
  • 18 – 21 Borderline depression
  • 10 – 17 Mild depression
  • 0 – 9     No depression likely

(2) The Center for Epidemiologic Studies Depression Test (CES-D)

Add your answers up, being careful with the reversed-scoring items, to give a total between 0 and 60.

If your total is more than 16, then the chances are good that you are depressed. This public-domain depression self-test refers to the past week, and a fluctuation of 5 points or more up or down from week to week is significant. But you can also think of longer time periods.

What my clients say

You are really, really a very kind person. Thank you for your effort and advice in helping me!

I was never convinced counselling would work. But your approach and your ability to use different methods to suit individual needs has truly changed me on a deep level.

The very first session I had with him was so helpful and powerful that I recommended him to two other people straightaway.

Andrew works gently and safely and I felt held in a safe space throughout the session.

I have made some major breakthroughs in sessions with you.

I was blown away by your insightful and transformative approach.

A different approach from other therapists I have seen before, so that I have finally solved my problem.

More happened in the first session I had with you than in 4 or 5 sessions with a counsellor.

[Your hypnosis] was remarkably effective and entirely different and tailor-made for my individual needs and experiences. Thank you!!!

Although counselling was new territory for me, it was invaluable and worth every penny.

Had a massive effect on my relationship. Learned loads of really good stuff – surpassed my expectations.

Andrew is one of the best therapists I have ever worked with. If you want to make a breakthrough with an issue in your life or relationship, I highly recommend…

I have made some incredible progress and I am now in an intimate and happy relationship thanks to your help.