Save your relationship – discuss romantic films

This page is a fun, easy, relationship self-help exercise to bring you and your beloved closer together. In research it halved divorce rates in couples in their first few years of marriage. You watch five movies and discuss them together – and that’s it. It works. You can help your relationship as easily as that. Give it a go! – click here for instructions lower down on this page.

It’s based on a great piece of 2014 research from Dr Ron Rogge of the University of Rochester. Couples in the first few years of their marriage, who had not sought counselling,  watched five romantic movies together and then discussed them, one a week for five weeks. They halved their divorce rate. Indeed watching movies proved more effective than various kinds of training offered to control groups, including couples conflict management training and acceptance and compassion relationship training. Watching movies could save your marriage.

Here’s Dr Rogge:

Many couples might already have a sense of what they are doing well and what they are doing poorly in their own relationships. Thus, it may be beneficial for couples to simply take some time out of their lives to focus on their relationships and reinvest into those relationships.

Yes. Often, what couples and individuals need more than anything is a place of safety and respect to listen to their own inner voice of wisdom.  People come to me expecting to start by talking about what’s wrong, and they’re always surprised when I start by talking about what’s right and what their own wisdom suggests. But, this is what works best.

Instructions for the couples therapy movie exercise

• Choose a film about relationships from these lists.  You can choose other films, not on the lists. They should be films which show the dynamics where two people make a sincere day-to-day effort to solve a relationship issue. So pure romcoms, or movies about falling in love, may not be suitable. Hey, watch them anyway, but as well not instead.
• Have dates where you watch the film together, then discuss it for around 30 – 45 minutes using the questions below. These are copied from  Ron Rogge’s talking points list PDF from his divorce-prevention research, which you could print out.
  Repeat with a total of 5 movies. Roughly once a week is good.
• Have fun!

The questions

1. What was the main relationship portrayed in the movie? This is the relationship that you will focus on in the following questions.

2. What main problem(s) did this couple face? Are any of these similar to the problems that the two of you have faced or might face as a couple?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

3. Did this couple strive to understand each other? Did they tend to accept one another, even if they were very different? Or did the couple tend to attack each others’ differences?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

4. Did the couple have a strong friendship with each other? Were they able to support each other through bad moods, stressful days, and hard times? Did they listen to each other like good friends? Did the couple in the movie do considerate or affectionate things for each other?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

5. How did the couple handle arguments or differences of opinion? Were they able to open up and tell each other how they really felt, or did they tend to just snap at each other with anger? Did they try using humor to keep things from getting nasty? Did it feel like they were really trying to understand each other?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

6. If the couple got into arguments, did they tend to become heated? Did the couple ever start attacking each other, getting increasingly mean and hostile? Did they end up saying things they didn’t really mean? Once this started happening, how did the arguments tend to end?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

7. When one of the partners brought up a problem, did he or she seem to do it in a constructive way (keeping things specific, explaining his or her feelings without attacking), or did it seem more like an attack? Did it seem like bringing up a problem became an assassination of the partner’s character?In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

8. How did the couple in the movie handle hurt feelings? Did they apologize to each other? Did the apologies seem sincere? Did they tend to jump to negative conclusions when their feelings got hurt, or did they tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

9. Did the partners seem to have similar expectations of their relationship? Where did their expectations differ? Did it seem like they were aware of their own expectations? Were their expectations reasonable? Did they share their expectations with each other?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

10. What other things happened in the movie that might lead you to think differently about your relationship/marriage?

Relationship counselling and couples therapy resources

I especially like this exercise – it’s creative:

• [This page.] Snuggle up, discuss films, save your relationship
• Romantic film lists for the couples self-help movie exercise

Other resources:

• Fighting is not compulsory – first aid for couples conflicts
• Don’t complain about feelings, request actions
• “You Colour Me” by Pocket Universe – deepen your relationship via pop songs
• “Love, look at the two of us” – deepen your relationship via pop songs
• “Your true colours are beautiful” – deepen your relationship via pop songs
• If it doesn’t work, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
• Barefoot stress counsellor: a solution-oriented self-help tool
• Actually helpful relationship self-help books, a short list

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